Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
