also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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