20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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