Who did Billy Mays play for?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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