i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
