The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
