Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
