my phone needs a breathalizer
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
