Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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