i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
