i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm at about main and main street
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
