I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
