did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
