ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
