i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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