I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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