I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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