The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
