you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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