Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
