Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
