Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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