Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
