paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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