my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
