I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
