I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
