I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Randomize
