Betty ford says i'm here all night
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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