He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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