Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
