who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
