my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
