If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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