I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
