i just wanna soil my oats bro
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
