I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
