We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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