I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
