hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
