The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
