my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
