did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
