tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
