4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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