Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
