I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
