...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
