if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You dont lie about slip and slides
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
