Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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