dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
