Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
