Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
