I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
