Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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