sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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