We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
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I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
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All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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