It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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