I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
