Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
