you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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